Love, CharenLeigh

I left y’all hanging on part 1, but I wanted to give yall the chance to think of the things you would do in that situation. How do you “think” you will react? Well lets just say you can think all day long but until you are put in that situation you do not have any idea how you or your body will respond.

I want to tell you about triggers first. I want to kind of give you details how my body responds by just the part 1 I spoke about 3 weeks ago.

• trigger

1. a small projecting tongue in a firearm that, when pressed by the finger, actuates the mechanism that discharges the weapon.
2. a device, as a lever, the pulling or pressing of which releases a detent or spring.
3. anything, as an act or event, that serves as a stimulus and initiates or precipitates a reaction or series ofreactions.

Discharges a weapon? That is exactly how it feels when I feel out of control of a situation, my mind sends off signals that I am in trouble and here comes the fight or flight response. I freak out, I cry, I run, I hide, I shake, I get short of breath, I am nervous, I am just plain scared. The situation could be just as simple as locking my self out of my house, but my mind discharges its weapon. It is sad, because it took me months after my kidnapping to realize what was happening to me. My body was freaking out just by opening my front door and walking to my car.

• Post-traumatic stress disorder

1. a mental disorder, as battle fatigue, occurring after a traumatic event outside the range of usual human experience, and characterized by symptoms such as reliving the event, reduced involvement with others,and manifestations of autonomic arousal such as hyperalertness and exaggerated startle response.Abbreviation: PTSD

Reliving the event? Every day all day when I had to go to my car, get out of my car, go to school. When I went anywhere alone, and even sometimes with others. So I stayed at home, in the bed, in my safe place for days, weeks, and months at a time. I really do not believe anyone really noticed, except my friends. They knew I had “disappeared”. I just always became in fear something bad would happen. I mean who really gets kidnapped though? So I just made sure I played it safe and stayed in my bed. Over time, in your bed, with no social interaction from anyone, you get sad. I had taken off from work for a few weeks after the incident so I was on week 3 of doing absolutely nothing. I was beating myself up because I had not gone to school because I would legit freak out before I even got there. I was not going in sobbing and shaking anymore. I felt bad cause I had cancelled on all my friends at the last-minute, or just did not show up. I would not answer calls cause “You will be fine Charen, I will be with you.” So I kind of had fell into a hole.

• anxiety

1. distress or uneasiness of mind caused by fear of danger or misfortune:He felt anxiety about the possible loss of his job.
2. earnest but tense desire; eagerness:He had a keen anxiety to succeed in his work.
3. Psychiatry. a state of apprehension and psychic tension occurring in some forms of mental disorder.

• depression (depress)

1. to make sad or gloomy; lower in spirits; deject; dispirit.
2. to lower in force, vigor, activity, etc.; weaken; make dull.
3. to lower in amount or value.

Part 2

I scream and I try to run. I remember watching the cars drive by in just that split second. He then grabs my wrist and pulls me into my car on top of him. I remember pleading and telling him, “You can have my purse and my car, just let me go.” He always replied, “I need you to get out of here.” Well I start to sob uncontrollably. He cranks the car up and puts it in drive. He slides over to the passenger seat now and pushes the gun between my armpit and my breast against my rib cage. He demands me to calm down and drive, that he does not plan on hurting me. He states he needs to get to Florida and needs my help to get to the interstate because he had committed a crime here last night and got disconnected from his friends. We get on North Patterson St. and head towards Exit 22. I do not know why I chose that way to go, because Florida is definitely south! I quickly stopped my sobbing and drove. My mind started churning. How in the hell was I going to get out of this situation?

I started thinking maybe I can get him to let me off at the exit and I can just walk to Wiregrass, ya know it was the first day of class. Well in the meantime I started to pray. “God, it is only me and you right now. I have a gun to my chest, aimed at my heart, my phone is in my purse in my passenger seat with this man. I have nothing but you right now. I can not call my parents to help me, I can not call 911. What am I going to do?” I remember taking a deep breath and stopped crying all together. I said a loud, “Jesus carry me in your bubble until I can get out of this.” At this point we had made it a little ways through Valdosta and onto N Val Rd. I started asking the guy why, and how, and why me, and what was his plan. I just legit pretended he was my home boy in the next seat and started asking him about his self. I asked his name first, in which he quickly replied, ” now you know I cannot tell you that”. He told me his excuses. He told me about the crime he had committed, he told me how he had just spent the last 20 years in prison. He told me about his 9 kids, all from different mothers and how crazy his babymamas were. LOL I realized the more I got him to talk, the less amount of time he had that gun pressed against my side. I am a talker, if you know me, so I talked. I asked him about his kids and their ages. We talked about his childhood and how good he was at football in middle and highschool before drugs took over his life. He told me about his brothers and sisters and how he was the oldest of 8 and took care of them most of his life. He never had a father he said, just a single mom of 8 who chose the drugs over her kids. Y’all I got to know this man, and I started to tell him how he could change his life. How if he really just needed a ride he could have asked me. I reminded him that there are good people in this world who do offer people help. He wanted to know about me now, I remember sharing my love for healthcare with him. I told him how I worked at restaurant for the last 2 years as a bartender and server. I shared my life with him, I told him how I grew up on a farm in the country and had only come to the big city of Valdosta to get a degree.

By this time we had only made it to the McDonald’s on N Val Rd. Thank you 8am Valdosta traffic. I asked him if we could go through the drive thru and get us some breakfast that I would pay for it. He agreed, up until I went to get into the turning lane. He snatched the wheel and said, “please do not try to play with me.” We are now at that exit, I beg him to let me out and let me walk. I told him I would promise not to tell anyone if he just let me out. It was sprinkling pretty hard at this point and it was the second week of January so it was dang cold, but I did not care. I just wanted to be free. He did not agree with this idea and made me get on the exit anyway and drive towards Lake City, Florida. At this point on the interstate we had passed over 10 cop cars on our drive. I could not think of a way to get their attention without him pulling that trigger. So I just drove the speed limit and prayed. I remember him asking me to turn on my radio so we could listen to music, yes I know, he actually asked me. I told him no that I wanted silence so I could concentrate and pray. He was not a fan of my praying a loud at all. He wanted to smoke a cigarette in my car too, he asked if he had my permission. He had kind of taken some respect towards me after our talk because he started to actually be nice. It sounds crazy I know.

So I am not the most responsible person at this point in my life, I had only a fourth of a tank of gas when we left my apartment complex that morning. I never told the guy this, but I made sure to watch it closely. I for one did not want to be stuck side the road with a guy with a gun, and realized it may be my only way out. The tank light has just come on and I know I have at least 30 miles before it goes empty. ( Thanks to my mama, who always taught me to push my limits, LOL) Well 15 miles later, I tell him that my gas light is on and we are going to need gas in about 10 minutes or we are going to look really crazy side the road together. I start trying to come up with a plan with him. I tell him I will pump the gas if he will go in and pay for it and I promise not to cause any problems. He seems to kind of like my idea at this point, or maybe he was started to feel the car shake because it was running out of gas for real. We have now made it to Jennings, Fl. The next exit coming up says it has 3 gas stations we could stop at so I tell him its time to get gas and we pull off the exit. We start to pull into one gas station and he tells me it’s too many people. I go to the next one down the street and its no one there so I pull up to the gas pump. He reaches over and tries to open the door and realizes what he is doing and closes and quickly and tells me to drive off now. I follow the orders and I drive out of the gas station. He tells me to turn the opposite way of the interstate and go until he tells me to stop. I follow his instructions, he then tells me turn down this dirt road where I see a sign that says “Dead End Road”.

I start to sob uncontrollably again. I just knew it was over. I started praying a loud for God to just let me see my parents and my sister again. That I loved him and I trusted him and I would do anything to be able to see my family again.

We have reached the end of the dirt road and he tells me to turn the car around to face out and to get out. I follow the instructions and as soon as I get out of the car he gets into the driver seat, tells me to stay put that he will be right back to get me. At that very moment I stood completely still, without breath, without a tear.

I was free.

I waited till all the dusk had cleared from where he had driven off and then I started walking up the road a little ways. I remember thanking God for saving me, for putting me in his bubble and getting me out of that situation. I remember stating that I did not care if I did not have a phone, or a car, or any type of communication. I had my life and I had my body, and I would walk until I found my way.

I knew at that point God would always be by my side. That no matter what I went through and what the future brought he would always be there. This is a reminder to me now just as much as it was over 4 years ago today. Over the last 4 years, I have watched myself block my own blessings by being afraid of what I may encounter in the future. I have been afraid. I have been scared. I have had panic attack after panic attack. I have thrown up and passed out in random places because of my flight or fight response kicks in when I am doing absolutely nothing. I have lost friends, I have made new friends, I have met and lost some of the best people in my life because I could not control my own emotions and reactions. I always know God is by my side, but sometimes when things get hard we forget how much we have already been through and survived and who drug us through the worst of times. I have to remind my self daily to not feel sorry for myself and what I went through. It was terrible, it was tragic. It changed my whole life and I will never be the same girl I was before January 13, 2014. But I have found my purpose. I have found my reason for living. I learned how much God truly loves me regardless of the shitty things that happen to me and the everyone else in the world. I turned my biggest mess into my message and my biggest test into my testimony.

Honestly, I am pretty thankful for my kidnapping experience today. I turned my whole life around and became new in Jesus Christ. And I have watched him carry me through my journey in his bubble every day regardless what life throws at me. I hope this shows people who sometimes life throws you terrible events or situations to change your life. That sometimes it brings you closer to the Lord, sometimes it reveals your purpose, and sometimes you fall in love with yourself. Maybe you are like me and all three happens. Regardless just learn to love the journey and trust that God is with you every day.