Love, CharenLeigh

I remember the days I planned out each post, it was calculated a few days or a week ahead. Now it has been over a year since I have been back on here.

The negative nancy in me would tell you, “Ya know the saying ‘if you have nothing good to say don’t say anything at all?”. But that is far from the truth, the best year and half of my life just occurred. Was it all rainbow and butterflies? Hell no. But there were days that were full of brightness and love.

I started nursing school finally, whew, and I graduated top of my class.

I met the love of my life and the rest is history.

But there was, you’re right, a lot of lower parts of all of that. I am sitting here as a 31-year-old who thought she had conquered her dreams when she became a nurse that day. Just to find out that honestly, your dreams just change after you accomplish each of them.

Here is to new dreams, new roles, new positions, new highs, and loves.

I promise to start back posting monthly, planning and executing new things to talk to you all about.

Definition of flaw

 1a: a defect in physical structure or forma diamond with a flaw

b: an imperfection or weakness and especially one that detracts from the whole or hinders effectiveness

Is it wrong to want someone to see you for your differences and love you anyway, I have learned that the people who are meant for me love me exactly for who I am despite what others consider as flaws.

Who were you before someone told you something different about yourself? As we grow older we start to listen to others more and more. We take into account their ideas and their opinions of us and we use those to help determine who we think we are. This begins as children and how our parents or guardians influence how we see ourselves.

Flaws and all, is a saying we use when we want someone to care for us, to love us that include all the parts of ourselves that are not so appealing to the eye. Are you willing to sacrifice who you really are because it seems to be a flaw to someone else? We are all guilty of listening to others and running with those thoughts that another person has about us, about me.

It may have taken me years to learn to love myself for the flaws I have. But honestly, are they even flaws to begin with? I hate that we as people label things that are differently about each other as flaws. Oh you have a small booty, broader shoulders, larger gut, bigger hips, small boobs, you suffer from acne, oh you’re too much or too sensitive. Are these even really flaws? How do you look at yourself and decide what is considered a flaw and what is considered a part of who you are?

I am not sure why it has been so heavy on my heart lately that what we consider flaws about ourselves really are not flaws at all. They make us unique, they make us special, they create exactly who we were meant to be. Embracing myself, who I am and the differences about myself made me realize that none of us as men and women really have flaws.

There are parts of ourselves that need a little tender, love, and care but they are NOT flaws. They help mold us into the person we are supposed to grow to be.

I know we all say, “If you have nothing nice to say, then do not say nothing at all.”, when we refer to speaking to other people, but what about yourself. How many times do you refer to your differences as flaws? Stop saying these things about yourself. You will realize you are creating negative thoughts about how uniquely God made you. How you were created from scratch to be exactly who you are, “flaws and ALL”.

F : Facing
E : Everything
A : Aligned with
R : Reality

I have had a lot on my heart lately I have wanted to share with the world.

This new year of 01/2020 started off on a different path for me for once. Every year I have set goals and aspirations for that following year. As mentioned in blogs from the past, I start in the end of October into November with setting these goals and finding ways to accomplish them. Pretty much setting out a plan for the new year. I am sure a lot of others do this also. But one thing I learned from the years past that even by end, even if the goals are all checked off I still wanted more. I still craved to do more, be more, accomplish more. I still felt like I had not been enough for me, my family, my friends, my job, my education, or my future. That lead me to to try something different,

The beginning of 2020 felt refreshing but I also felt like I had taken a step back. I had gained the weight back that I had lost the previous year. I had started loosing interest in the mental health nursing field. I had become extremely stagnant. I had started to just follow through with the motions of every day life. Which in turn felt awful. I was beating myself up, trying to find out where I went wrong.

January passed and I was doing daily things that I knew would make me feel better. Back to regular personal journaling, back to attending my favorite gym, back to spending time with my girls. But allowing myself to just go through the motions daily without focusing on a “specific goal” to check off.

February began and ended the same way and my “feel good” routines seemed to be working. Then here comes March, the month that uprooted every one in the whole world. Some it took a little longer than others to grasp what was happening or how it would affect them personally. But for me, life hit head on and fast.

Reality was that normalcy for me is what kept me at peace. And with the COVID-19 virus, my peace was shaken. I saw death in a new form. I feared for my parents, sibling, friends, even strangers lives on a daily basis.

The months during the pandemic flew by, I was just going through the motions of trying to stay healthy, finish my Associates Degree strong, while being exposed every day to the virus. When I look back over the months of April, May, June, and July the only thing I recall is how mentally strong I really was. All the triggers from my past were reidentified, all the loneliness, and lack of being able to do things that made me “feel good”. But with God holding my hand I realized how “enough” I really was. I realized that reality was changing me for the better. I faced every trigger and every attack head on. I took advantage of the opportunites that the pandemic offered, even if it was only a few. I sat with myself and saw myself in a new light. I faced the enemies that were brought into my path without turning a cheek and I stood up for myself and others.

Now we are at the begining of September, the pandemic is not over and the virus is still real, but I am new. God uses terrible situations to change you for the better. Yes in the moment those things really suck, they hurt, they break you down, but they are changing you.

The start of the year I did not make a goal list. Thank you Jesus for that, because I would have not been able to accomplish or check them off due to the state the world would be in this year. But I did not know that at the time. I would have been beating myself up for not getting through that list and would of felt like a failure. God gave me grace and faith to just go through the motions. And because of that I got more out of the last 9 months of my life, than I have in the last 9 years.

I have spent the year 2020 facing everthing that was aligned with the reality of world, physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.

And it changed me. Thankful is an understantment. Faithful and grace-filled is the new me.

I posted just a few hours ago on Facebook, “I am succumbing to my fear that someone may not ‘like me’ or ‘approve of me’ and doing exactly what God puts on my heart daily. I know exactly where I stand with Jesus, that alone gives me peace.”

That is the new me. That is the me I have always longed to be. That is the woman I have become due to the failures, the setbacks, the lack of resources, and the unexpected heart breaks.

I now only focus on the plan the Lord has set out for me. I am content with whatever that is while still putting my best foot forward. Things in my life are so clear, not easy, but clear and that is all I have every wanted out of life. To be able to see Jesus’s hand holding mine and walking along the path he has given me.

Hey y’all, I am back. Life took my mind off blogging for a while, but what better time to get back into it and let y’all see the progress and growth I have gone through the last time we have talked.

This is a season right now where everything seems so uncertain. The lack of control we have over things lately is unsettling. Not just for me, but for everyone.

I will start off to say, I would not have made it working on a COVID 19 ICU unit the last 6 months without the help of my therapist, who always did video calls and texts to check on me, along with the love and support of my Mom who always knows my heart and how deeply it hurts with the sufferings that come with my job.

For me, the lack of control and uncertainty are the biggest triggers for my PTSD, anxiety, and depression. Not knowing what the next day will hold, not knowing what this year would include has put a dent in my heart. I like to plan everything out. I like everything to flow smoothly.

Well I work in a ICU, being accustomed to that change of pace is something I have gotten use to and have learned to be tolerable to. But this virus brought more out of me than normal, I always knew I was strong, but holding it together at work for my coworkers and the patients during a time where loss and loneliness is at a all time high. You do it for everyone else, the world, the patients, the safety of everyone but yourself.

As you all know, I am a believer in God and his plan for my life. But I have not always trusted his path for my life. Lack of faith that his plan really is better than my own. ( Me trying to control stuff again) I always wanted to plan and set out a path for myself, it seemed controllable that way. I have learned that with this virus life is not controllable and you will never be able to predict every little thing that will happen or be thrown your way. Life is so short. Life is so so short. After being kidnapped, learning to control situations was my way of staying “safe”. Mentally staying on the safe side was what kept me in tact.

The safe side does not bring growth though. Without the anxiety, I would not have tackled the tasks I have in the last 3-5 years of my life. Without the depression, I would not have made such an effort to get out of the house and get my dose of Vitamin D and have intentional social interaction. Without being kidnapped, I would not appreciate life, Jesus’s love and plan for my life.

Everything may never be smooth sailing, bad shit still does happen. No one is exempt from that. I have learned that trying to control a situation or circumstance only seems to make it even more intolerable. Hiding away from the things that are hard make it that much harder to come back out of the turtle shell.

Allow yourself to feel, allow yourself to address what has come from this virus season. Allow yourself to look beyond the difficulty and see the blessing that could come from it.

I love you all….

Trauma has a weird way of bringing itself back around no matter how long it has been. I know it has been 6 years since I was kidnapped but some days it feels like yesterday and some days it feels like 100 years ago.

Weeks go by that I am at my best, I am happy and I am flourishing. Everything seems great.

Weeks go by that I am in a hole, that I do not feel like myself and just doing whats mandatory is draining.

Finding self-care rituals that work for me and help bring me out of the funk and back to that happy stage. Some of those things are working out, eating yummy food, deep cleaning my house, and getting my lashes done.

But sometimes, they run altogether and counteract the other. Cannot workout post lashes,  then eat a lot of yummy food, then being too lazy to clean the house. I have realized that when I fail to do any of them I beat myself up for it. It all feels so traumatic in my brain that I did not accomplish the things I said I always would. Organizing and rearranging my schedule to get it all accomplished brings me peace, but it’s not always feasible.

I think the biggest part of any trauma, happiness, or any sad moments is learning to be alright regardless if it is not “fixed” or “exact” just like you had planned.

Learn to look at it as a healing, growing moment and you will easily not feel so guilty when you do not have those good weeks or bad weeks, but as weeks that you are alive and healthy. Retrain that mind to believe that things not going as planned is not a traumatic event. Retrain your mind to see the good in it all. Retrain your mind to be happy and at peace in moments that many fall apart.

I let myself down daily in the friendship area. I am not the best type of friend, I rarely check on people and I rarely make plans with them.  I forget birthdays unless Facebook reminds me, and even when I do I don’t always tell them. It really has nothing to do with anyone or anything, but myself. How I feel about myself and the friendship I have with myself is what dictates all of this.

It is once in a blue moon that I get to see my very best friends, and its all my own fault. Life sucks. My brain tells me, “Charen, you’re such a terrible friend, these people who you connect with really do not care about you, all because of the way you disappear at times. You never check on them. You’re so far away.”

I know I am bigger than that ‘thought’, but it always rings true every month, every season, every year, every birthday, and every event.

It is hard to do better when sometimes you’re just trying to survive. Trying to wade through the water and keep your head afloat. The busier I become in my life the harder it is for me to pull myself out of the funk when it hits. I crawl right into my turtle shell and disappear.

Some people love me regardless. Friends and family, who do not care how many times I fail, turn down or disappear they always have had my back.

There are some people who I cherish and love dearly but know we will not get a chance to love each other anymore because of the way I  have disappeared and let them down in the past. Life is hard yall. Not just for me, but for everyone. No one is exempt from the troubles life brings.

It’s not fair and its hardly acceptable, but regardless if I speak to people regularly I hope my people know my heart. I hope others know that regardless of how many times I do not show up, or dip out that I will always pray and have the most love for them.

I am not the only one who goes through this, I am certain there are friends of mine, acquaintances, colleagues, who are exactly the same way, who are struggling to just stay afloat. It is okay, work on you, we will all get to come back together at some point in this life and we will share and rekindle all those memories and experiences again.

Real, true, loving, dedicated friends, I have so many of them, some I haven’t seen in years, some I haven’t talked to in years but I still love them like I will get to see them tomorrow.

I never want my mind to allow me to accept that these individuals do not love me, nor do they care what I have going on in my life. Just because I do not share every detail, you are all still at the center of my heart always.

Anxiety and depression are sure tricksters. They tell us all things that are not true and can and will ruin friendships.

When you feel good, it is easy to talk to friends, to share life experiences. It is never hard to talk to people when things are going good for you. But my goodness, when things are bad; it is almost devastating to admit to anyone, especially people who think so highly of you that you’re struggling.

DO NOT EVER FORGET:: Real friends will never leave your side, people fade with time and with growth but true friends regardless of how terrible life is; they will always be there.

Forgive me for being ‘the’ bad friend. I mean well, I just do not want to put my pity on you. I do not want to share my negativity until I have overcome it. Just know if I ever disappear, it is only because I am trying to stay afloat.

Happy Fall Y’all!!

Isn’t that what we all say “happy” fall? Not for everyone though. Fall is not always a happy time in peoples lives.

My heart strings have been being pulled towards telling you all about seasonal triggers. The fall and winter months have always been my very favorite part of my life. My birthday falls in January plus its the start of a new year. December has Christmas, family time, with old traditions falling every weekend. November is thanksgiving with more family time and you start preparing for the end of the year. October is Halloween, and growing up there was always fall festivals and church events that followed around this month. September is my baby sisters birthday, so we are always celebrating that, along with a few other best friends whose birthdays come along the months in fall and in winter. It has always been my time to reconnect with family and friends. A true joyous occasion is always had, or should I say use to have. Fall is now big and scary. It sends me into overdrive and I start catching myself making toxic decisions to try and avoid the subconscious triggers. Triggers that the affects of what happened to me years ago start streaming in.

Side note, I have not wrote much in here due to lack of time or lack of diligence. You can clearly see I beat myself up for lots of different things, but I did not realize how much this actually helps me talk about my issues with you all and also how it releases them into the atmosphere and out of my brain. One of the key to my triggers is releasing them instead of trying to hold them in at all times.

Seasonal triggers, or some people know it as SAD. SAD stands for Seasonal Affective Disorder.  Seasonal affective disorder (SAD) is a type of depression that’s related to changes in seasons — SAD begins and ends at about the same times every year. If you’re like most people with SAD, your symptoms start in the fall and continue into the winter months, sapping your energy and making you feel moody.

The months that use to be my favorite are now my worst enemies, I try every year to set my self up so nicely but then comes those months that scare me the most. I am still in school at age 2; I have to admit to people who thought so highly of me that I still have not figured out what I want to do with my life exactly. I allow the thoughts of not being good enough, of failure, plus allowing my anxiety and depression to get the best of me all over again. I learned it was not always me but sometimes this time of year is also bad for a lot of others. Meeting up with family you have not seen in years to remind them, no you have no accomplished that goal. To having family members who made the holidays meaningful now moved away, or passed. To your birthday coming around again and you still are not where you thought you would be at this point in life. You may not have a significant other to share the holidays with and maybe even not having your own little family is what is holding you back. Maybe it is financial burdens that the fall and winters month bring. We all deal with something like this during the fall and winter months. It stinks and sucks. I know because I go through all this too. We all have our own little story. Our own enemies that are triggered during these months.

One of the very first things I do to try and counteract these feelings, emotions, and thoughts is to recognize them. Recognizing them in time before you fall into that “hole”. By the way it is possible to get back out of that hole but I have tried to reach the point to not hang over the edge and taunt myself with falling in either. Ask for help if you recognize but do not know the next steps. Professional or non professional just tell someone how you feel. If that person does not understand just try and go to someone you know deals with the similar things, or even a stranger who has mentioned things of the such in the past. I am always open to talk, but I also may refer you to a professional also. I have a counselor I see, and she already knows this is the time of year where stress and my thoughts take over and I start to overthink small things. She is a huge part of my progress and a huge reason I do not fall head first anymore. I identify my problems and bring them to her so she can help me conquer them.

Remind yourself, that this is not normal, that this is not something you  have to live with. There are ways to tackle all of this. That is the second thing I do after I recognize my issue. I try to tackle it. I take what I have been taught from overcoming past issues and start doing them. Even if the time and place seems irrelevant, just do them. I pick up one of my go to books for starters, “Battleship of the Mind”. I do not reread the book every year but I skim through all the highlights and notes and remind myself just how far I have came. I reread certain paragraphs and see that it is again just my mind playing tricks on me. I start to identify ways that I went wrong again and how I allowed stress to take over my spare time instead of investing that spare time in the things I know will continue to help me. I start to journal diligently my thoughts whether good or bad. I write everything down, my goals, my to-do lists, etc. Writing things down for me brings them into perspective. 

I am not saying it will be easy, but I am saying all this to remind myself and you all that it is something you can overcome. Each year will get better, you have to remember the steps you took each year. You will start to recognize things earlier and handle them quicker. Honestly one day we will not even realize it, but for once we did not sink into the hole again. That in itself is what will help you see that another year of tackling battles actually has molded you into a stronger human in this cruel world.