Love, CharenLeigh

The last two weeks have been…..

I feel as if I took a million steps backwards. The lessons I have learned over the last few days were some I should have learned years ago and some that were new and surprising.

I like using the phrase, “What does ___ mean to you?”, because everyone’s definition of the things I talk about could be and most likely are different. I like giving you a universal definition to help you correlate how far we stretch a definition to fit into our own lives.

• Peace – 1. freedom from disturbance; quiet and tranquility 2. freedom from or the cessation of war or violence.

So here’s a whole two weeks worth;

I have been talking about the word peace for a while now. I have begged for peace for years; peace from guilt, peace from crushed dreams, peace from men, peace from my mind, peace from everything. I just wanted to be happy and I knew if I could get peace from all past hurt I had experienced I would be happy again.

For one, I do not know why I think I can keep doing all this on my own. Thank you Lord for your plan, not my own; oh yes and my therapist!

P. Personal – 1. of, affecting, or belonging to a particular person rather than to anyone else. 2. of or concerning one’s private life, relationships, and emotions rather than matters connected with one’s public or professional career.

The first biggest lesson I learned over the last two weeks that this is MY journey, no one else’s. My path to peace is only determined by me! I choose my faith, I choose my plans, I choose my happiness, and I choose my hope. Holding on to the hurt others have caused will never give me or you the peace we deserve from Jesus Christ. Learning to let go of everyone who causes any disruption of my positivity was the first step. Not a soul in human form can give you that peace. It’s all on YOU!

E. Emotional – 1. arousing or characterized by intense feeling 2. relating to a person’s emotions

My journey is and has been nothing but an emotional rollercoaster. Some days I would cry for hours at a time. My plans were not going as planned. My feelings are so sensitive and always hurt. I felt alone. Again, no one could help me. No one could stop the emotions from running over. Friends, family, coworkers gave me the best encouragement but my emotions were out of wack and my soul just was not at peace. I read books about peace, prayed about peace, looked up all the Bible verses I could find about peace and still years were flying by.

A. Acceptance – 1.the action of consenting to receive or undertake something offered. 2. the action or process of being received as adequate or suitable, typically to be admitted into a group. 3. Agreement with or belief in an idea, opinion, or explanation.

Y’all, understanding what acceptance really means will change your life. Do you know who you are? Do you accept that realization regardless what it is? This is where the biggest fight came. I spent so many months learning to love myself again, to put myself first over everyone else for once. I found my biggest strengths and my biggest weakness. I learned to love my body; regardless what it looked like in the mirror. I learned to say no to occasions and to people when my mind and soul needed a break. But do I accept the woman I have become? Through all the loss, hurt, tragedies in my life; I have gained the strength of the little boy who beat the giant. I accepted that this was all Gods plan; not mine. Once I encountered true acceptance of myself; it all started being so clear for once. I was relieved.

C. Consistency – 1. conformity in the application of something, typically that which is necessary for the sake of logic, accuracy, or fairness. 2. the achievement of a level of performance that does not vary greatly in quality over time.

Consistency trains your brain how you want it to think, react, and plan. Besides God, family, friends of course, being consistent in my every day life brings me reassurance. I lost a lot of reassurance in my life when things just did not go as planned . I mean who gets kidnapped? No it’s nothing like the movies show I promise you! Then a broken-heart from a man where “forever” was just not long enough. Denied for jobs, schools, programs you had worked so hard for, yeah my reassurance of anything was out the window. I learned that by being consistent I was creating positive reactions in my brain and eliminating all the negatives from the past.

E. Eternal – 1. lasting or existing forever; without end or beginning 2. (of truths, values, or questions) valid for all time; essentially unchanging.

The peace I had prayed for, the peace I had begged others for was eternal peace. Eternal peace can only begin inside yourself. Eternal peace only comes from the Lord. There was a process to get to peace for me. I believe God set it up this way for me to learn lessons about myself on the journey. I wanted immediate results with immediate peace. That was completely unrealistic of me. Nothing in life is ever immediate. I had forgotten how important it was to be patient with your coming blessings. That even the prettiest rainbows come after the ugliest of storms. Well ya know this is God’s plan and purpose not your own Charen!

But by today, with me writing this, I have seen the fruition of being consistent, putting in the work, continuously praying for the peace, reading those books, trusting God, letting go, and having faith. I can now say I am at peace with my past, my present, and my future. I have seen what the Lord has done for me and through me and I am no longer in fear of the future.