Love, CharenLeigh

Mental health illnesses make you feel alone. When you do not completely understand what you’re going through and what your mind is dealing with, you feel singled out, you feel helpless, you feel alone.

The increases in want and eventually need for another person to be with you rises. The less controlled your illness is the more dependent you become on other people or things; to help you, to fix you, and to help you understand. At that point is when dependency becomes another symptom of your mental illness.

Now add companionship from relationships to the mix; then to depending on your significant other for your emotional needs.

Before I get too deep into my thoughts I want everyone to understand the definitions for some of the words I will be using.

> co-dependency: of or relating to a relationship in which one person is physically or psychologically addicted, as to alcohol or gambling, and the other person is psychologically dependent on the first in an unhealthy way. one who is co-dependent  or in a codependent relationship

> companionship: a person who is frequently in the company of, associates with, or accompanies another: a mate or match for something

> enabler: : a person who; to make able; give power, means, competence, or ability to; authorize: to make possible or easy: to make ready; equip

Characteristics of a Co-dependent person :

• An exaggerated sense of responsibility for the actions of others

• A tendency to confuse love and pity, with the tendency to “love” people they can pity and rescue

• A tendency to do more than their share, all of the time

• A tendency to become hurt when people don’t recognize their efforts

• An unhealthy dependence on relationships. The co-dependent will do anything to hold on to a relationship; to avoid the feeling of abandonment

• An extreme need for approval and recognition

• A sense of guilt when asserting themselves

• A compelling need to control others

• Lack of trust in self and/or others

• Fear of being abandoned or alone

• Difficulty identifying feelings

• Rigidity/difficulty adjusting to change

• Problems with intimacy/boundaries

• Chronic anger

• Lying/dishonesty

• Poor communications

• Difficulty making decisions

Now there’s my story, once upon a time there was this woman who was so self-dependent and never needed anything from anyone emotionally, physically, or mentally. I would eat alone at restaurants; and prefer it. I would exercise alone, I would take walks, at night alone. Never in fear, and never scared! Hahah!

Then I got taken and lost every ounce of control I had over my mind and body. I could not control the fight or fight response whenever I got even the least bit afraid. When I felt attacked or threatened in way I could not control my reactions; even someone honking their horn at me for driving too slow. I would break down; have a complete hyperventilating freak out. I could not control the out burst of tears. I could not control my attitude that everyone was out to get me in one way or another. I became unhappy, angry, sad, and misunderstood. Oh boy; I lost so many friends and family. I had become mean and hateful. No one understand what was wrong with me. They did not understand that I had been taken away from all the safety and security I had ever known and I was in constant fear and loss of trust with anything and everyone.

You want someone to just understand, you want someone to listen, you want someone to always be there, you do not want to fight alone anymore. You want someone who promises when things get bad they will not leave. You want someone who can help. So you let down your guard for once and let someone into your internal devils.

This is where relationships can make or break someone during their mental health crisis. Friendships are lost, and breakups can push you over the edge. Help, is a key word I threw in there because a lot of relationships are born from someone in search of something; for me it was a new type of happiness.

So we fell in love, it was new and bright and happy and positive and reassuring. This was the happiness I had been searching for all along. He’s great, he understands, he’s open-minded, he supports my mental illness. I was completely attached. How could I ever let go of someone who for once in my life seemed to understand everything I was going through. Oh the honey moon stage and always doing everything to make your significant other happy! But not for long because I had a raging mental health illness; PTSD, Anxiety, Panic Disorder, Depression, Co-dependency disorder.

Since I was happy-go-lucky for months at a time; I had forgotten about my mental health self-care. I had stopped going to the gym, because I never needed to let the grief of the day go. I had a person who was waiting at home to hear. I had stopped taking my medicine because I was not sad anymore, no anxiety had arisen in about 3 months. It had to be the Lord bringing this new man in my life. He had changed my life and brought me so much happiness. Maybe my mental health illnesses were finally gone. I had someone always there, always attentive, always willing to listen.

Forgetting about myself first, not taking care of my needs first, led to a spiral in my health and my relationship. The anxiety had come back x10. I was sad for no reason. He did everything thing he could to try to make me happy, but it just would not work. He had become my enabler. He would try and solve my issues instead of me trying to face them head on. Nothing he did or said made the anxiety go away though; but he was determined to try to fix me. And I was just so certain he could. I was even having anxiety and depression about the relationship in itself. I could not even leave my bed because I was a walking ball of tears. I could not be in public regardless if I was with my significant other or not. In my head, it was never the lack of medicine or my lack of self-care it was him. He was the reason I was sad I just could not figure out why. Through the relationship I had become so dependent on him for my every need and when he could not solve it or fix it I blamed him. I blamed him for my sadness and depression. In all reality, I had let myself go. I had allowed the moment of euphoria in my relationship try to solve my own issues. He was never the reason my anxiety and sadness came back around it was my fault. I had stopped all the things that kept me healthy and wondered why it was all going to shit. He eventually had to leave, the strain of never making me happy, my constant blame; I was starting to drag him down with me.

After a rough breakup, doubting myself, learning to love myself, always supplying myself with my needs first over the last few years; I was able to forgive myself for allowing my mental health to ruin some friendships and relationships .

I shared all of that to show you how easy it is to put your mental health issues on your spouse or significant other and not even realize it. Take care of yourself first so you can take care of them second. Have you ever heard the saying a sick person can never heal another sick person? It is true. All the support in the world also will not heal you. You have to take all the steps provided to you by your doctors and therapist to get better and not put it on anyone else but yourself. It is your health, your priority.

I do want to say that having someone to support you and listen and help you positively cope with your illness is rare. It takes a strong individual to stand by someone going through a mental health crisis. The stress and strain on the other person is just as painful; always remember that. I think this just states how important it is to really know the person you’re sharing your life with. Make sure they understand what you’ve been diagnosed with just as much as you did when you first found out. Warn them of the positive and negative symptoms that come along with that. If they do not want to pursue you because of that then God probably was blocking them from your life anyway. You do not want to be co-dependent  on your spouse for your mental and emotional needs. You do not want them to feel compelled to be your enabler either. This journey is about you, but once you share it with others it becomes a part of them also!