Love, CharenLeigh

F: fear   ::

1. a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid.
2. a specific instance of or propensity for such a feeling:an abnormal fear of heights.
3. concern or anxiety; solicitude:

U: unavoidable   ::

unable to be avoided; inevitable:an unavoidable delay.

N: necessary   ::

1. being essential, indispensable, or requisite:a necessary part of the motor.
2. happening or existing by necessity:a necessary change in our plans.
3. acting or proceeding from compulsion or necessity; not free; involuntary: a necessary agent.

K: kept   ::

(not the dictionary.com version btw) to continue to do something or to live normally in a difficult situation: Sometimes it was hard to keep going, but we did it for the children’s sake. keep something going. to help someone to continue doing something or living normally, especially in a difficult situation: It was my friends that kept me going through all this.

November has always been a month where I spend time recognizing what did and did not get accomplished in the last year of my life. I evaluate every month, I look over what I started off the year with and where I am with only 30 days left. I praise the growth and I critique over the mistakes so I do not continue them. I started all of that towards the end of November into the beginning of December. As you can all tell, it has stretched till the very last few days of the year. That time was something I needed most, and even with my emotions everywhere I grew through every questioned feeling.

Towards the end of the year things did not go as I had planned them. I had envisioned my last few months of 2018 to be spent just relaxing and preparing to start a brand new journey on January 1st. I let disappointment take over. I allowed the funk to take over and I let it sit in my heart a little too long before I stopped it. Even the littlest of time in the funk can scar your heart and put you into a mode of just waking up to survive and get by.  I had beat myself up for slacking in some areas of my life. I looked at all the negatives and all the things I did not receive that I thought I deserved. BUT GOD; he had such a bigger plan for me.

I began searching for answers. I wanted to know what caused this funk this time, what put me in this mode, what did this to me? Was it time to remove people from my life? Was it just my trigger season getting the best of me? I had done so much better for myself this year, why did my mind keep reminding me of how much I did not accomplish. Then I realized it was my time to grow again. My time to take that step up, to become a better me. I had actually accomplished everything in this year God wanted for my life. This was my time to realize I could not just be happy and content in this next season in my life. I had to suffer for my purpose and realize my weaknesses so I could spend the next 12 months better than the last 12 months of my life.

2018 was my biggest growing year yet.

• I grew spiritually in a new way. I feel connected to God on a daily basis now. In every situation I truly turn to him for my answers. When terrible things arise I ask him to show me my lessons. He has shown me this year that I can check off things more quickly on my goal list when I let him lead my way. Jesus seems to re-save me every day, in every lesson, and every experience.
• I grew emotionally; I no longer allow the way others feel about me to dictate how I feel about myself. I know my feelings and emotions can go all over the place at times due to hormones and my mental health illnesses. I know I am always in control of my emotions, my feelings, and my actions/reactions. I give myself time to recover from these emotions also. It will take a toll on you if you do not allow yourself that time.
• I grew my mentality. I read more books this year than I have in the last 5 years of my life (school books not included). The books I read were only to help increase my knowledge and create positive, loving ideas in my head. I tried out new things that would push my mind to try more and be more. I jumped out of my comfort zone more than 10x this year (big one for me, I live inside my comfort blanket). I wanted to be mentally just as strong as I had become physically.
• Oh, and I grew physically. I have muscles showing on my body that never knew could exist on me. Fifty pounds down from where I started this year. I saw an abdominal muscle poke out last week and if you know me I have always had a little belly. Plus I really like the sweets! I can now carry objects that weigh as much as me. I have pushed my body to its very limits in those 50 minute workout classes (HeartRize is my addiction). I have watched my body grow strength from areas I never knew were so important to my health.

Through all the analyzing over the last year of my life I got into the most “fearful”, “unavoidable”, “necessary”, “kept” funk of my life. It made me realize I had the choice at this very moment to keep going and growing or to just give up and give in. That funk changed my outlook and has created such a drive in me for my new year like never before. If I had not taken those few weeks and just looked over the positives and negatives. If I had not allowed myself to work through that FUNK would I be as pushed as I am today. I do not believe I would have. I fought through it every day to not allow myself to fall back into something I had already overcame. I truly have accomplished so much more this year than I like to give myself create for sometimes. God has made sure that every step forward has humbled me with a step back to remind me this is His plan, not mine.

Here’s to taking that next step in my purpose following Jesus’ plan for my life, not my own!