Love, CharenLeigh

Hey y’all, I am back. Life took my mind off blogging for a while, but what better time to get back into it and let y’all see the progress and growth I have gone through the last time we have talked.

This is a season right now where everything seems so uncertain. The lack of control we have over things lately is unsettling. Not just for me, but for everyone.

I will start off to say, I would not have made it working on a COVID 19 ICU unit the last 6 months without the help of my therapist, who always did video calls and texts to check on me, along with the love and support of my Mom who always knows my heart and how deeply it hurts with the sufferings that come with my job.

For me, the lack of control and uncertainty are the biggest triggers for my PTSD, anxiety, and depression. Not knowing what the next day will hold, not knowing what this year would include has put a dent in my heart. I like to plan everything out. I like everything to flow smoothly.

Well I work in a ICU, being accustomed to that change of pace is something I have gotten use to and have learned to be tolerable to. But this virus brought more out of me than normal, I always knew I was strong, but holding it together at work for my coworkers and the patients during a time where loss and loneliness is at a all time high. You do it for everyone else, the world, the patients, the safety of everyone but yourself.

As you all know, I am a believer in God and his plan for my life. But I have not always trusted his path for my life. Lack of faith that his plan really is better than my own. ( Me trying to control stuff again) I always wanted to plan and set out a path for myself, it seemed controllable that way. I have learned that with this virus life is not controllable and you will never be able to predict every little thing that will happen or be thrown your way. Life is so short. Life is so so short. After being kidnapped, learning to control situations was my way of staying “safe”. Mentally staying on the safe side was what kept me in tact.

The safe side does not bring growth though. Without the anxiety, I would not have tackled the tasks I have in the last 3-5 years of my life. Without the depression, I would not have made such an effort to get out of the house and get my dose of Vitamin D and have intentional social interaction. Without being kidnapped, I would not appreciate life, Jesus’s love and plan for my life.

Everything may never be smooth sailing, bad shit still does happen. No one is exempt from that. I have learned that trying to control a situation or circumstance only seems to make it even more intolerable. Hiding away from the things that are hard make it that much harder to come back out of the turtle shell.

Allow yourself to feel, allow yourself to address what has come from this virus season. Allow yourself to look beyond the difficulty and see the blessing that could come from it.

I love you all….