Love, CharenLeigh

…with everything.

I cannot tell you whether its my anxiety that makes me this way, or if it’s the PTSD, or the depression. Maybe it is just the accumulation of the three plus the stress? All I can say is whatever it is that is happening in my brain this week is out to get me. My mind is clearly beating me up.

*cue the dramatics*

1. I procrastinated on my school work and I was running around at the last-minute trying to get it all accomplished before the due date. For one its summer semester, things go by so much faster during this time.
2. I laid around every one of my off days instead of handling car errands, now I have NO time to drive and get that handled. Everyone says a prayer that I make it through the next 7 days and DO NOT TELL MY DADDY THIS.
3. My house is still dirty. I know I was off for 6 days, but somehow sleep was just more important than chores.

Okay, I am done with my numbered excuses. Because that’s exactly what each of them were, an excuse.

The real reason my mind was beating me up is because I knew how much I had to get done before the start of this week, I knew what all had to be accomplished and I avoided it at all cost. I procrastinated and avoided all the things I needed to do to handle my business. Now I feel like crap. I have learned that I work best with planned and organized agendas. When I plan out my day and check everything off my list, I feel accomplished; when I do not, I feel defeated. Now this week I have definitely felt defeated. This was clearly my own fault though. Instead of handling what I needed to do I allowed my insecurities to take over and let my mind tell me what was more important. My anxiety and depression make me feel as though I am not strong enough to accomplish things when I become stressed.

I have trained my mind pretty well over the last year of my life. I have trained my mind as hard as I have trained my body. I want my body and mind to be the strongest part of me. I have read books to educate myself on creating a stronger mentality. I workout daily to increase my physical strength and to push me past my current boundaries.

When I was kidnapped a lot of my physical and mental strength went down the toilet. I was in fear for my life always. Regardless who I was with, I felt as if I had a “red A on my chest” that told everyone how naive I was, how I did not fight back, how I was gullible and everyone was looking. So I have spent years fighting for that strength back. When I was kidnapped he took all the mental and physical control I had over myself away from me. I was unable to control my thoughts. I was unable to be anywhere alone, especially a gym where tons of people go. At that moment in my life I was still naive to the man holding the gun that day. I had lost me.

Over the last several years of my life I have had to relearn me. I have had to relearn my capacity to handle things and my ability to be adaptable. I have to manually retrain my brain to think positive thoughts. I have to now plan out my agenda ahead of time, going with the flow does not work for me anymore. If things are not written in my calendar they will not get done. I cannot even open my front door unless I know the person is coming hours and hours ahead of time. Sometimes then I won’t answer the door either. Nothing against anyone I honestly just get panicky with any thing that is taken out of my control; this has become my life.

I am stronger now. All my set backs have taught me who I was meant to be. I have several different ways I cope with stress now whenever it decides to rear its ugly head.

• Write down all tasks that need to be completed along with the dates and/or times. Simply just make a list.
• Repeat the sayings out loud to myself, “I can control my thoughts and my mind, everything I cannot control God controls for me.” “You have been through and dealt with worse, you’re stronger now.”
• Give yourself 30 minutes to have a pity party; cry, scream, laugh, read, run, nap, whatever you need to do to get it out of your system.
• Always plan and prepare your days.

This image shows us how important it is to control the stress you have in your life regardless if it’s people or things. Stress can cause a lot of long-term effects. Not to mention all the mental effects that come along with it. If you’ve already been diagnosed with a mental illness or disorder sometimes stress can truly push you over the edge.

Another challenge I will begin, on August 1, will be this one. I have my anxiety basically controlled by my daily activities and medication but I would like to see how much better I will feel after completing this challenge.