Love, CharenLeigh

I let myself down daily in the friendship area. I am not the best type of friend, I rarely check on people and I rarely make plans with them.  I forget birthdays unless Facebook reminds me, and even when I do I don’t always tell them. It really has nothing to do with anyone or anything, but myself. How I feel about myself and the friendship I have with myself is what dictates all of this.

It is once in a blue moon that I get to see my very best friends, and its all my own fault. Life sucks. My brain tells me, “Charen, you’re such a terrible friend, these people who you connect with really do not care about you, all because of the way you disappear at times. You never check on them. You’re so far away.”

I know I am bigger than that ‘thought’, but it always rings true every month, every season, every year, every birthday, and every event.

It is hard to do better when sometimes you’re just trying to survive. Trying to wade through the water and keep your head afloat. The busier I become in my life the harder it is for me to pull myself out of the funk when it hits. I crawl right into my turtle shell and disappear.

Some people love me regardless. Friends and family, who do not care how many times I fail, turn down or disappear they always have had my back.

There are some people who I cherish and love dearly but know we will not get a chance to love each other anymore because of the way I  have disappeared and let them down in the past. Life is hard yall. Not just for me, but for everyone. No one is exempt from the troubles life brings.

It’s not fair and its hardly acceptable, but regardless if I speak to people regularly I hope my people know my heart. I hope others know that regardless of how many times I do not show up, or dip out that I will always pray and have the most love for them.

I am not the only one who goes through this, I am certain there are friends of mine, acquaintances, colleagues, who are exactly the same way, who are struggling to just stay afloat. It is okay, work on you, we will all get to come back together at some point in this life and we will share and rekindle all those memories and experiences again.

Real, true, loving, dedicated friends, I have so many of them, some I haven’t seen in years, some I haven’t talked to in years but I still love them like I will get to see them tomorrow.

I never want my mind to allow me to accept that these individuals do not love me, nor do they care what I have going on in my life. Just because I do not share every detail, you are all still at the center of my heart always.

Anxiety and depression are sure tricksters. They tell us all things that are not true and can and will ruin friendships.

When you feel good, it is easy to talk to friends, to share life experiences. It is never hard to talk to people when things are going good for you. But my goodness, when things are bad; it is almost devastating to admit to anyone, especially people who think so highly of you that you’re struggling.

DO NOT EVER FORGET:: Real friends will never leave your side, people fade with time and with growth but true friends regardless of how terrible life is; they will always be there.

Forgive me for being ‘the’ bad friend. I mean well, I just do not want to put my pity on you. I do not want to share my negativity until I have overcome it. Just know if I ever disappear, it is only because I am trying to stay afloat.