Love, CharenLeigh

Mental health illnesses make you feel alone. When you do not completely understand what you’re going through and what your mind is dealing with, you feel singled out, you feel helpless, you feel alone.

The increases in want and eventually need for another person to be with you rises. The less controlled your illness is the more dependent you become on other people or things; to help you, to fix you, and to help you understand. At that point is when dependency becomes another symptom of your mental illness.

Now add companionship from relationships to the mix; then to depending on your significant other for your emotional needs.

Before I get too deep into my thoughts I want everyone to understand the definitions for some of the words I will be using.

> co-dependency: of or relating to a relationship in which one person is physically or psychologically addicted, as to alcohol or gambling, and the other person is psychologically dependent on the first in an unhealthy way. one who is co-dependent  or in a codependent relationship

> companionship: a person who is frequently in the company of, associates with, or accompanies another: a mate or match for something

> enabler: : a person who; to make able; give power, means, competence, or ability to; authorize: to make possible or easy: to make ready; equip

Characteristics of a Co-dependent person :

• An exaggerated sense of responsibility for the actions of others

• A tendency to confuse love and pity, with the tendency to “love” people they can pity and rescue

• A tendency to do more than their share, all of the time

• A tendency to become hurt when people don’t recognize their efforts

• An unhealthy dependence on relationships. The co-dependent will do anything to hold on to a relationship; to avoid the feeling of abandonment

• An extreme need for approval and recognition

• A sense of guilt when asserting themselves

• A compelling need to control others

• Lack of trust in self and/or others

• Fear of being abandoned or alone

• Difficulty identifying feelings

• Rigidity/difficulty adjusting to change

• Problems with intimacy/boundaries

• Chronic anger

• Lying/dishonesty

• Poor communications

• Difficulty making decisions

Now there’s my story, once upon a time there was this woman who was so self-dependent and never needed anything from anyone emotionally, physically, or mentally. I would eat alone at restaurants; and prefer it. I would exercise alone, I would take walks, at night alone. Never in fear, and never scared! Hahah!

Then I got taken and lost every ounce of control I had over my mind and body. I could not control the fight or fight response whenever I got even the least bit afraid. When I felt attacked or threatened in way I could not control my reactions; even someone honking their horn at me for driving too slow. I would break down; have a complete hyperventilating freak out. I could not control the out burst of tears. I could not control my attitude that everyone was out to get me in one way or another. I became unhappy, angry, sad, and misunderstood. Oh boy; I lost so many friends and family. I had become mean and hateful. No one understand what was wrong with me. They did not understand that I had been taken away from all the safety and security I had ever known and I was in constant fear and loss of trust with anything and everyone.

You want someone to just understand, you want someone to listen, you want someone to always be there, you do not want to fight alone anymore. You want someone who promises when things get bad they will not leave. You want someone who can help. So you let down your guard for once and let someone into your internal devils.

This is where relationships can make or break someone during their mental health crisis. Friendships are lost, and breakups can push you over the edge. Help, is a key word I threw in there because a lot of relationships are born from someone in search of something; for me it was a new type of happiness.

So we fell in love, it was new and bright and happy and positive and reassuring. This was the happiness I had been searching for all along. He’s great, he understands, he’s open-minded, he supports my mental illness. I was completely attached. How could I ever let go of someone who for once in my life seemed to understand everything I was going through. Oh the honey moon stage and always doing everything to make your significant other happy! But not for long because I had a raging mental health illness; PTSD, Anxiety, Panic Disorder, Depression, Co-dependency disorder.

Since I was happy-go-lucky for months at a time; I had forgotten about my mental health self-care. I had stopped going to the gym, because I never needed to let the grief of the day go. I had a person who was waiting at home to hear. I had stopped taking my medicine because I was not sad anymore, no anxiety had arisen in about 3 months. It had to be the Lord bringing this new man in my life. He had changed my life and brought me so much happiness. Maybe my mental health illnesses were finally gone. I had someone always there, always attentive, always willing to listen.

Forgetting about myself first, not taking care of my needs first, led to a spiral in my health and my relationship. The anxiety had come back x10. I was sad for no reason. He did everything thing he could to try to make me happy, but it just would not work. He had become my enabler. He would try and solve my issues instead of me trying to face them head on. Nothing he did or said made the anxiety go away though; but he was determined to try to fix me. And I was just so certain he could. I was even having anxiety and depression about the relationship in itself. I could not even leave my bed because I was a walking ball of tears. I could not be in public regardless if I was with my significant other or not. In my head, it was never the lack of medicine or my lack of self-care it was him. He was the reason I was sad I just could not figure out why. Through the relationship I had become so dependent on him for my every need and when he could not solve it or fix it I blamed him. I blamed him for my sadness and depression. In all reality, I had let myself go. I had allowed the moment of euphoria in my relationship try to solve my own issues. He was never the reason my anxiety and sadness came back around it was my fault. I had stopped all the things that kept me healthy and wondered why it was all going to shit. He eventually had to leave, the strain of never making me happy, my constant blame; I was starting to drag him down with me.

After a rough breakup, doubting myself, learning to love myself, always supplying myself with my needs first over the last few years; I was able to forgive myself for allowing my mental health to ruin some friendships and relationships .

I shared all of that to show you how easy it is to put your mental health issues on your spouse or significant other and not even realize it. Take care of yourself first so you can take care of them second. Have you ever heard the saying a sick person can never heal another sick person? It is true. All the support in the world also will not heal you. You have to take all the steps provided to you by your doctors and therapist to get better and not put it on anyone else but yourself. It is your health, your priority.

I do want to say that having someone to support you and listen and help you positively cope with your illness is rare. It takes a strong individual to stand by someone going through a mental health crisis. The stress and strain on the other person is just as painful; always remember that. I think this just states how important it is to really know the person you’re sharing your life with. Make sure they understand what you’ve been diagnosed with just as much as you did when you first found out. Warn them of the positive and negative symptoms that come along with that. If they do not want to pursue you because of that then God probably was blocking them from your life anyway. You do not want to be co-dependent  on your spouse for your mental and emotional needs. You do not want them to feel compelled to be your enabler either. This journey is about you, but once you share it with others it becomes a part of them also!

For starters, I want to apologize for the lack of posting last Sunday and my late post today. This blog has held me more accountable than anything else, and honestly I beat myself when I do not post. Some days are harder than others to get my words out and get them across to others so they actually make sense. I am still on the journey of bettering myself and overcoming what has brought me down the last few years. Having y’all read my blog, contact me, or just check on me has made me realize, again, that I am never alone in this. There are people all over the world dealing with the same issues I am; no one is exempt from the pain mental health illnesses can bring when you know you are so much better. Your mind will forever be a trickster; make sure your only adding stuff to your thoughts that will better you, not bring you down. I am here today, dedicated still to give everyone who reads; my transparency, brutal honesty, and love.

Part 3- I am free.

I left off on part 2, when I finally was free from capture. I had waited till the dirt had settled from the road where he drove away and I had praised the Lord for keeping me safe thus far.

Honestly, this is where the bigger journey came. I had nothing but the clothes on my back and the shoes on my feet. I was free from my captor, but I was not safe and sound just yet. I had to find a way to get back home and to contact someone. I just wanted to see my parents and my sister at this point. Nothing else even had mattered.

So I began to just walk down the dirt road in hope and prayer that I would see or meet someone along the way. I could actually see some type of school in the distance through the cow pasture that was on the dirt road. The guy had told me to stay there and he would be back to get me; well I was NOT trying to be there when he got back. Remember, he also had a gun, which walking through that open field did not  seem like a good idea either at that point. So I tracked through the wet pine straw in the woods while it started sprinkling. After crying and walking through the woods; I just wanted to figure out what in the world did I do to deserve this.  Walking through the woods was probably the safest I had felt in the last 3 hours. I am a country girl who would walk through the trees and woods all the time with my daddy growing up. Walking through the woods has always been so peaceful to me; and even at the very moment I was in, I still felt at peace.

I finally made it to a main highway where I knew it was my time to catch someone’s attention to get help. I had on a tank top with a cardigan and some jeans with flats the day I got kidnapped. I took the cardigan off and started waving it in the air while I walked down this main highway on January 13, 2014 at what was probably 9 o clock in the morning. Many, many people passed by me; some honked their horns at me, some waved, some shouted obscene things, but no one even slowed down to see what my problem was.  But for a moment, we have to put ourselves in the shoes of the person driving past me. I was a young women out in the middle of the morning, walking the road waving half of my clothes in the air, would you have stopped to help me? I am sure they thought I was the craziest person in the world; I mean it was raining at that point and so dang cold for a January morning in the south. I did not give up though, I knew if I could just make it to that school someone would be “forced” to assist me. So I just kept walking. I eventually made it to a road that stated it was the entrance to an elementary school. I walked a little ways down that road until I saw a SUV coming my way. It was a school entrance so she was driving pretty slow and could tell I was clearly upset. She pulled to the side and rolled her window half way down and asked if she could help. I told her I had been kidnapped and just needed help before he came back to get me. Immediately she unlocked her doors and let me in her passenger seat. I started to tell her my story and how I was not sure what to do next. She made it clear to me that I was now safe and no one could harm me. She took me directly to the sheriff’s department and walked in with me to help me get inside and be able to explain what was happening. She was my angel, she saved me, and there is no way I could repay her for that. I honestly have never seen the lady again in my life but I think of her so often. I know God put her in place that day to help me. I know that even if I never meet her again, that God changed her life that day also.

So I am safe, I am in the sheriff’s department, they are questioning me and getting every detail they can to help. A BOLO is put out for my car and in hope someone can catch this man. I am finally not in my fight or flight response and I am calming down. The next step was to get my exact tag number of my car. I did not have that information glued into my brain so it was time to call my Mama because I knew she would know.

Calling my Mama was the hardest part, I did not realize until I heard her voice that I realized what had really happened to me. Trying to explain to her why a Florida Sheriff’s Dept was calling her work phone was when it all set in.

Mom: “Hello? Taylor County Ext Office. How many I help you?”

Me: “Mama its Charen, please do not be mad at me.”

Mom: “Charen what did you do, why are you at a FL sheriffs Dept?”

Me: “Please do not be mad, I was taken at gun point this morning and I really just need my tag number to tell the officers how to find my car” *starts sobbing hysterically*

Mom: “Oh NO?” gasps and I hear her start freaking out

Mom: ” Are you okay? Are you hurt? Where are you?”

At this point I could not speak, I was hyperventilating and freaking out again. I was sobbing uncontrollably and the ladies in the office had to finish the talk with my mom.  They got all the information they needed and told my Mom to head this way because someone was going to have to take me back to Valdosta and my mom did not think it would be a good idea for me to go with anyone but my family. So they hit the road and headed to get me.

As I was being completely hysterical the detective for the Hamilton County Sheriffs Department took me back to her office. She was so positive and reassuring. She held my hand and hugged me. She told me about her kids and how she cannot imagine what it could have been like. She was also my saving grace. She was what kept me from going under that day. When I would question myself she was there to reassure me I did exactly everything the right way because I was alive. She never left my side and she always kept me up on the chase of the man who had kidnapped me. She told me every step of the way, even when they had found the guy. She would not let the Valdosta detectives talk to me without my family nearby and that also saved my life.

I sat in their office for over four hours waiting on my parents to arrive so I could talk to the detectives and try to identify the man who they had found in my car. It did seem like forever before my family could get there but the moment I saw their faces I understood what life really meant to me; and those 3 people were it. My mom had called my daddy and he was in town quicker than you could think; they drove a 4 hour drive in less than 2 and also had managed to contact my sister and pick her up on the way.

Those three faces entering into that door that day is what reminded me that I was free. Those hugs from those three reminded me that God had given me those three to physically love me unconditionally. It just was not my time to go yet, and seeing those three tearful, scared faces reminded me of just that.

Part 4 will be the next biggest journey I had to face after being kidnapped; being questioned, to picking out the mug shot of the guy, to encountering the true evil in some of these deputies hearts. Every second after I got kidnapped was crucial in molding me and allowing me to recover from such actions that I had NO control over. My journey had just begun on this day, and every day after that I have fought for peace and love and understanding in my own life.

Between the bars of life we realize what is truly meaningful to us and what is not. I know that my family is what will never leave my side even in the worst situations. They may can never truly help me through it, but when it was time for them to drop everything and hit the road they were to me in the least amount of time possible. There are people who have your back even when you do not see it in them physically. People love you regardless what your mind tells you. Your life is important, and even though no one stops to “help” you on your journey, there are people out there that God is setting up to be your saving grace. Every personal encounter is way of God showing you that His people will always be readily available when you call on Him.

The last two weeks have been…..

I feel as if I took a million steps backwards. The lessons I have learned over the last few days were some I should have learned years ago and some that were new and surprising.

I like using the phrase, “What does ___ mean to you?”, because everyone’s definition of the things I talk about could be and most likely are different. I like giving you a universal definition to help you correlate how far we stretch a definition to fit into our own lives.

• Peace – 1. freedom from disturbance; quiet and tranquility 2. freedom from or the cessation of war or violence.

So here’s a whole two weeks worth;

I have been talking about the word peace for a while now. I have begged for peace for years; peace from guilt, peace from crushed dreams, peace from men, peace from my mind, peace from everything. I just wanted to be happy and I knew if I could get peace from all past hurt I had experienced I would be happy again.

For one, I do not know why I think I can keep doing all this on my own. Thank you Lord for your plan, not my own; oh yes and my therapist!

P. Personal – 1. of, affecting, or belonging to a particular person rather than to anyone else. 2. of or concerning one’s private life, relationships, and emotions rather than matters connected with one’s public or professional career.

The first biggest lesson I learned over the last two weeks that this is MY journey, no one else’s. My path to peace is only determined by me! I choose my faith, I choose my plans, I choose my happiness, and I choose my hope. Holding on to the hurt others have caused will never give me or you the peace we deserve from Jesus Christ. Learning to let go of everyone who causes any disruption of my positivity was the first step. Not a soul in human form can give you that peace. It’s all on YOU!

E. Emotional – 1. arousing or characterized by intense feeling 2. relating to a person’s emotions

My journey is and has been nothing but an emotional rollercoaster. Some days I would cry for hours at a time. My plans were not going as planned. My feelings are so sensitive and always hurt. I felt alone. Again, no one could help me. No one could stop the emotions from running over. Friends, family, coworkers gave me the best encouragement but my emotions were out of wack and my soul just was not at peace. I read books about peace, prayed about peace, looked up all the Bible verses I could find about peace and still years were flying by.

A. Acceptance – 1.the action of consenting to receive or undertake something offered. 2. the action or process of being received as adequate or suitable, typically to be admitted into a group. 3. Agreement with or belief in an idea, opinion, or explanation.

Y’all, understanding what acceptance really means will change your life. Do you know who you are? Do you accept that realization regardless what it is? This is where the biggest fight came. I spent so many months learning to love myself again, to put myself first over everyone else for once. I found my biggest strengths and my biggest weakness. I learned to love my body; regardless what it looked like in the mirror. I learned to say no to occasions and to people when my mind and soul needed a break. But do I accept the woman I have become? Through all the loss, hurt, tragedies in my life; I have gained the strength of the little boy who beat the giant. I accepted that this was all Gods plan; not mine. Once I encountered true acceptance of myself; it all started being so clear for once. I was relieved.

C. Consistency – 1. conformity in the application of something, typically that which is necessary for the sake of logic, accuracy, or fairness. 2. the achievement of a level of performance that does not vary greatly in quality over time.

Consistency trains your brain how you want it to think, react, and plan. Besides God, family, friends of course, being consistent in my every day life brings me reassurance. I lost a lot of reassurance in my life when things just did not go as planned . I mean who gets kidnapped? No it’s nothing like the movies show I promise you! Then a broken-heart from a man where “forever” was just not long enough. Denied for jobs, schools, programs you had worked so hard for, yeah my reassurance of anything was out the window. I learned that by being consistent I was creating positive reactions in my brain and eliminating all the negatives from the past.

E. Eternal – 1. lasting or existing forever; without end or beginning 2. (of truths, values, or questions) valid for all time; essentially unchanging.

The peace I had prayed for, the peace I had begged others for was eternal peace. Eternal peace can only begin inside yourself. Eternal peace only comes from the Lord. There was a process to get to peace for me. I believe God set it up this way for me to learn lessons about myself on the journey. I wanted immediate results with immediate peace. That was completely unrealistic of me. Nothing in life is ever immediate. I had forgotten how important it was to be patient with your coming blessings. That even the prettiest rainbows come after the ugliest of storms. Well ya know this is God’s plan and purpose not your own Charen!

But by today, with me writing this, I have seen the fruition of being consistent, putting in the work, continuously praying for the peace, reading those books, trusting God, letting go, and having faith. I can now say I am at peace with my past, my present, and my future. I have seen what the Lord has done for me and through me and I am no longer in fear of the future.

So during the month of May, before I presented my blog, I tested my self. I decided that since mental health changed my life that maybe putting some real facts out into the world for people to read would help others understand how serious taking care of your mental health is.

“The single most important barrier to overcome in the community is the stigma and associated discrimination towards persons suffering from mental and behavioral disorders.”
– The World Health Organization

31 days of 31 facts of Mental Health Illnesses

Day 1:: One in five humans suffer from a mental health illness.

Day 2:: 56% of humans diagnosed with mental health illnesses go untreated.

Day 3:: Oregon has the highest ranking diagnosed mental health illnesses in the U.S.

Day 4:: Georgia is ranked 44th from highest to lowest with the diagnosed and reported mental illness.

Day 5:: Washington, D.C. has the highest ranking mental health illness that coincides with dependence or abuse of drugs or alcohol in the U.S.

Day 6:: 1 in 25 adults in the U.S. experience a serious mental illness in a given year that interferes with more than one major life activity.

Day 7:: In the youth, ages 13-18, 1 in 5 experience a severe mental disorder at some point in their life.

Day 8:: Out of 20 million Americans who suffer from substance abuse, over half of them also had a co-occurring mental illness.

Day 9:: 18.1% of adults in the U.S. experience an anxiety disorder.

Day 10:: Half of all chronic mental illness begins by the age of 14.

Day 11:: Africans/Hispanic Americans use mental health services about 1/2 the rate of Caucasian Americans.

Day 12:: Individuals living with mental health illnesses face an increased risk of having a chronic medical condition.

Day 13:: Suicide is the 10th leading cause of death in the U.S.

Day 14::Adults living with serious mental illnesses die on a na average of 25 years earlier than others.

Day 15:: The average delay between onset of symptoms and intervention is 8-10 years.

Day 16:: Depression is the leading cause of disability worldwide and is the major contributor the other global burden of disease.

Day 17:: Serious mental illness costs America 193.2 billion in lost earning each year.

Day 18:: 60% of adults with mental health illnesses did not receive any treatment in the past year.

Day 19:: Females, due to statistics, are more likely to get mental health services than males.

Day 20:: Estimated 49.5% of adolescents in the U.S. had AMI (any mental illness).

Day 21:: There are effective treatments for your mental disorders and ways to alleviate the suffering caused by them.

Day 22:: Bi polar disorder affects  over 60 million people worldwide.

Day 23:: In low or middle income countries between 75-85% of people with mental disorders receive no treatment at all.

Day 24:: Mental health is an essential component of health

Day 25:: During and after emergencies, people are more than likely to suffer from a range of mental health disorders.

Day 26:: Schizophrenia is the most common thought disorder.

Day 27:: In Alabama, there’s  only one mental health professional per 1200 people.

Day 28:: A poll in 2018 states that Mississippi has the highest ranking of access to mental health treatment in U.S.

Day 29:: 14.7% of adults with mental illness remain uninsured.

Day 30:: Medicaid is the largest single payer for mental health services.

Day 31:: Primary care physicians providing usual care miss almost 50% of depressed patients and likely fail to recognize common mental health disorders.

Y’all, I am so passionate about mental health and it’s importance in this world. I truly believe that this universe would be a different place if we gave mental and emotional health the importance it needs. The stigma behind mental health and what it truly means are so different. People are so quick to label anyone with a mental illness as crazy or unstable.

But before I tell you my opinions behind the stigma; I want everyone to understand the definitions for some of the terms I have and will use.

• Awareness : knowledge or perception of a situation or fact; concern about and well-informed interest in a particular situation or development
• Stigma: mark of disgrace associated with a particular circumstance, quality, or person ; stereotyping, prejudice, discrimination

Some of the biggest stigmas of mental health are:
1. Healthcare professionals are abnormal, corrupt, evil to mental health patients.
2. Misrepresentation in the media of what it is like to have a mental health illness.
3. Only effects a few people in the world.
4. Most are violent people who hurt others.
5. Mental health illnesses never get better no matter what.

If we could just raise awareness and cure the stigma that circles mental health maybe more people would be more open to discussing their own issues, to getting the help they need, and become more open minded about it.

In this day and age, everyone who commits a crime seems to scream “mental health illnesses are to blame”. Now, yes this may be a big issue of why some crimes are committed but it’s not all. Mainly the reason mental health illnesses could be the reasoning behind why some crimes are committed are because the people who suffer never get the treatment or help they need. People like to throw people with true illnesses in a prison due to their actions, but do they get the care they needed and deserved before the crime was committed. Many people walk around daily struggling with their emotions, their mind, their thinking, and their reactions and they believe it is normal. Please be aware that nothing about that is normal.

Coming from someone who struggles daily with PTSD, anxiety, and depression it breaks my heart to see other people turn away or try to coddle people with mental health disorders. They are normal people who are sick. Just like someone who has a physical sickness. They need treatment and/or medication to get better. Guess what? They can actually get better. Most mental health illnesses are not curable but can be lived with and tolerated with the right help.

I’m speaking from experience here! I would never be where I am today if it was not for counseling sessions, daily medications, and the support of people who love me. You’re not alone, I was afraid to tell people what my problems really were too. I was scared, embarrassed, and felt so alone with my mental health disorder. I was confused and in denial for years before I was rescued. I felt crazy. I did not feel like myself anymore and I had no motivation to keep on doing anything with my life. I had let my illness take over my life. Then one day someone saw the signs my body was expressing and they didn’t shy away from helping me. I want to do the same for you! I want you to learn the signs and symptoms of mental health illness. I want to spread awareness on just how important it is to take care of that part of your body.

(more…)

I left y’all hanging on part 1, but I wanted to give yall the chance to think of the things you would do in that situation. How do you “think” you will react? Well lets just say you can think all day long but until you are put in that situation you do not have any idea how you or your body will respond.

I want to tell you about triggers first. I want to kind of give you details how my body responds by just the part 1 I spoke about 3 weeks ago.

• trigger

1. a small projecting tongue in a firearm that, when pressed by the finger, actuates the mechanism that discharges the weapon.
2. a device, as a lever, the pulling or pressing of which releases a detent or spring.
3. anything, as an act or event, that serves as a stimulus and initiates or precipitates a reaction or series ofreactions.

Discharges a weapon? That is exactly how it feels when I feel out of control of a situation, my mind sends off signals that I am in trouble and here comes the fight or flight response. I freak out, I cry, I run, I hide, I shake, I get short of breath, I am nervous, I am just plain scared. The situation could be just as simple as locking my self out of my house, but my mind discharges its weapon. It is sad, because it took me months after my kidnapping to realize what was happening to me. My body was freaking out just by opening my front door and walking to my car.

• Post-traumatic stress disorder

1. a mental disorder, as battle fatigue, occurring after a traumatic event outside the range of usual human experience, and characterized by symptoms such as reliving the event, reduced involvement with others,and manifestations of autonomic arousal such as hyperalertness and exaggerated startle response.Abbreviation: PTSD

Reliving the event? Every day all day when I had to go to my car, get out of my car, go to school. When I went anywhere alone, and even sometimes with others. So I stayed at home, in the bed, in my safe place for days, weeks, and months at a time. I really do not believe anyone really noticed, except my friends. They knew I had “disappeared”. I just always became in fear something bad would happen. I mean who really gets kidnapped though? So I just made sure I played it safe and stayed in my bed. Over time, in your bed, with no social interaction from anyone, you get sad. I had taken off from work for a few weeks after the incident so I was on week 3 of doing absolutely nothing. I was beating myself up because I had not gone to school because I would legit freak out before I even got there. I was not going in sobbing and shaking anymore. I felt bad cause I had cancelled on all my friends at the last-minute, or just did not show up. I would not answer calls cause “You will be fine Charen, I will be with you.” So I kind of had fell into a hole.

• anxiety

1. distress or uneasiness of mind caused by fear of danger or misfortune:He felt anxiety about the possible loss of his job.
2. earnest but tense desire; eagerness:He had a keen anxiety to succeed in his work.
3. Psychiatry. a state of apprehension and psychic tension occurring in some forms of mental disorder.

• depression (depress)

1. to make sad or gloomy; lower in spirits; deject; dispirit.
2. to lower in force, vigor, activity, etc.; weaken; make dull.
3. to lower in amount or value.

Part 2

I scream and I try to run. I remember watching the cars drive by in just that split second. He then grabs my wrist and pulls me into my car on top of him. I remember pleading and telling him, “You can have my purse and my car, just let me go.” He always replied, “I need you to get out of here.” Well I start to sob uncontrollably. He cranks the car up and puts it in drive. He slides over to the passenger seat now and pushes the gun between my armpit and my breast against my rib cage. He demands me to calm down and drive, that he does not plan on hurting me. He states he needs to get to Florida and needs my help to get to the interstate because he had committed a crime here last night and got disconnected from his friends. We get on North Patterson St. and head towards Exit 22. I do not know why I chose that way to go, because Florida is definitely south! I quickly stopped my sobbing and drove. My mind started churning. How in the hell was I going to get out of this situation?

I started thinking maybe I can get him to let me off at the exit and I can just walk to Wiregrass, ya know it was the first day of class. Well in the meantime I started to pray. “God, it is only me and you right now. I have a gun to my chest, aimed at my heart, my phone is in my purse in my passenger seat with this man. I have nothing but you right now. I can not call my parents to help me, I can not call 911. What am I going to do?” I remember taking a deep breath and stopped crying all together. I said a loud, “Jesus carry me in your bubble until I can get out of this.” At this point we had made it a little ways through Valdosta and onto N Val Rd. I started asking the guy why, and how, and why me, and what was his plan. I just legit pretended he was my home boy in the next seat and started asking him about his self. I asked his name first, in which he quickly replied, ” now you know I cannot tell you that”. He told me his excuses. He told me about the crime he had committed, he told me how he had just spent the last 20 years in prison. He told me about his 9 kids, all from different mothers and how crazy his babymamas were. LOL I realized the more I got him to talk, the less amount of time he had that gun pressed against my side. I am a talker, if you know me, so I talked. I asked him about his kids and their ages. We talked about his childhood and how good he was at football in middle and highschool before drugs took over his life. He told me about his brothers and sisters and how he was the oldest of 8 and took care of them most of his life. He never had a father he said, just a single mom of 8 who chose the drugs over her kids. Y’all I got to know this man, and I started to tell him how he could change his life. How if he really just needed a ride he could have asked me. I reminded him that there are good people in this world who do offer people help. He wanted to know about me now, I remember sharing my love for healthcare with him. I told him how I worked at restaurant for the last 2 years as a bartender and server. I shared my life with him, I told him how I grew up on a farm in the country and had only come to the big city of Valdosta to get a degree.

By this time we had only made it to the McDonald’s on N Val Rd. Thank you 8am Valdosta traffic. I asked him if we could go through the drive thru and get us some breakfast that I would pay for it. He agreed, up until I went to get into the turning lane. He snatched the wheel and said, “please do not try to play with me.” We are now at that exit, I beg him to let me out and let me walk. I told him I would promise not to tell anyone if he just let me out. It was sprinkling pretty hard at this point and it was the second week of January so it was dang cold, but I did not care. I just wanted to be free. He did not agree with this idea and made me get on the exit anyway and drive towards Lake City, Florida. At this point on the interstate we had passed over 10 cop cars on our drive. I could not think of a way to get their attention without him pulling that trigger. So I just drove the speed limit and prayed. I remember him asking me to turn on my radio so we could listen to music, yes I know, he actually asked me. I told him no that I wanted silence so I could concentrate and pray. He was not a fan of my praying a loud at all. He wanted to smoke a cigarette in my car too, he asked if he had my permission. He had kind of taken some respect towards me after our talk because he started to actually be nice. It sounds crazy I know.

So I am not the most responsible person at this point in my life, I had only a fourth of a tank of gas when we left my apartment complex that morning. I never told the guy this, but I made sure to watch it closely. I for one did not want to be stuck side the road with a guy with a gun, and realized it may be my only way out. The tank light has just come on and I know I have at least 30 miles before it goes empty. ( Thanks to my mama, who always taught me to push my limits, LOL) Well 15 miles later, I tell him that my gas light is on and we are going to need gas in about 10 minutes or we are going to look really crazy side the road together. I start trying to come up with a plan with him. I tell him I will pump the gas if he will go in and pay for it and I promise not to cause any problems. He seems to kind of like my idea at this point, or maybe he was started to feel the car shake because it was running out of gas for real. We have now made it to Jennings, Fl. The next exit coming up says it has 3 gas stations we could stop at so I tell him its time to get gas and we pull off the exit. We start to pull into one gas station and he tells me it’s too many people. I go to the next one down the street and its no one there so I pull up to the gas pump. He reaches over and tries to open the door and realizes what he is doing and closes and quickly and tells me to drive off now. I follow the orders and I drive out of the gas station. He tells me to turn the opposite way of the interstate and go until he tells me to stop. I follow his instructions, he then tells me turn down this dirt road where I see a sign that says “Dead End Road”.

I start to sob uncontrollably again. I just knew it was over. I started praying a loud for God to just let me see my parents and my sister again. That I loved him and I trusted him and I would do anything to be able to see my family again.

We have reached the end of the dirt road and he tells me to turn the car around to face out and to get out. I follow the instructions and as soon as I get out of the car he gets into the driver seat, tells me to stay put that he will be right back to get me. At that very moment I stood completely still, without breath, without a tear.

I was free.

I waited till all the dusk had cleared from where he had driven off and then I started walking up the road a little ways. I remember thanking God for saving me, for putting me in his bubble and getting me out of that situation. I remember stating that I did not care if I did not have a phone, or a car, or any type of communication. I had my life and I had my body, and I would walk until I found my way.

I knew at that point God would always be by my side. That no matter what I went through and what the future brought he would always be there. This is a reminder to me now just as much as it was over 4 years ago today. Over the last 4 years, I have watched myself block my own blessings by being afraid of what I may encounter in the future. I have been afraid. I have been scared. I have had panic attack after panic attack. I have thrown up and passed out in random places because of my flight or fight response kicks in when I am doing absolutely nothing. I have lost friends, I have made new friends, I have met and lost some of the best people in my life because I could not control my own emotions and reactions. I always know God is by my side, but sometimes when things get hard we forget how much we have already been through and survived and who drug us through the worst of times. I have to remind my self daily to not feel sorry for myself and what I went through. It was terrible, it was tragic. It changed my whole life and I will never be the same girl I was before January 13, 2014. But I have found my purpose. I have found my reason for living. I learned how much God truly loves me regardless of the shitty things that happen to me and the everyone else in the world. I turned my biggest mess into my message and my biggest test into my testimony.

Honestly, I am pretty thankful for my kidnapping experience today. I turned my whole life around and became new in Jesus Christ. And I have watched him carry me through my journey in his bubble every day regardless what life throws at me. I hope this shows people who sometimes life throws you terrible events or situations to change your life. That sometimes it brings you closer to the Lord, sometimes it reveals your purpose, and sometimes you fall in love with yourself. Maybe you are like me and all three happens. Regardless just learn to love the journey and trust that God is with you every day. 

Social Anxiety Disorder: (also called social phobia) is a mental health condition. It is an intense, persistent fear of being watched and judged by others. This fear can affect work, school, and your other day-to-day activities. It can even make it hard to make and keep friends.

Are they looking at me? Are they judging how I workout ? Do they see me sit in the car for 20 minutes before I get out? Do I look silly doing this? Does this outfit make me look extra fat? Do I workout every day and actually get no where? Is this even worth it? I burn more calories having an anxiety attack before I go in than when I am actually in here.

Ugh, this was me every day when I would try to go to the gym. I’d get all excited at home preparing for the gym. I’ve come so far, then I get there and see other people and legit freak. Is this you? Do you struggle with social/interaction anxiety? Is it that I’m terrified someone will actually speak to me? Or that I may have to speak to someone?  What if someone asks why I hadn’t been in a while? And to see someone I know, heck, avoid that all together. Thank you God for the inventor of headphones and the distraction that comes with them.

I absolutely love pushing myself past its limits. I love watching my body grow stronger after every workout. But my anxiety gets the best of me every single time. I have switched gyms throughout the years, I have worked out with trainers, I have went with friends; none of it takes away the anxiety it takes for me to actually get out my car and go in. My mind seems to tell me all the worst things, but it’s  just pure fear circling in my body.

Many tell me, “Workout at home Charen, buy the ropes/ bands/weights and just do it there.” As they think this would solve the problem. Well I’d spend 10 minutes “exercising” at home and realize I did not want to exercise anymore.  The motivation was gone, so I would go weeks and months without actually exercising or attending the gym. This hurt me mentally more than anything because I would legit just sleep instead of exercising. This had become a vicious cycle over the last few years.

It was clear I had a bigger issue though. I realized I was trying to attend the gym to “fix” my body. I believed it was not strong enough to withstand the things the world would throw me. I was doing gym time not just for me and helping me feel better; I was doing it for others. It wasn’t until I realized I was more focused on others than I was of myself.

This is where I learned to take a step back. I ignored all urges to go to the gym and I learned to fall in love with every wrinkle and roll, every bump and bruise. I learned to actually start taking care of my mind along with my body in a healthy way. I became new again with Jesus. I started running to him with my anxiety more than anyone else. He seemed to be the only one who understood. I started reading books that would grow my mental and emotional wellbeing. When I finally was in love with myself again, and taking care of me first, I noticed a new fitness center had come to town. I thought why not try this working out thing again for the right reasons.

Then it was just one free class, I was comfortable, I was anxious free walking in class that day. I spoke to people, people spoke to me and I actually enjoyed it.

Heartrize Fitness, Mikell and those trainers have pushed me so far past anything I thought my body could even do. I never have a problem getting out of my car and walking in because everyone there is on their own journey. It is not about others, it’s about you. The trainers individually encourage you before and after the workouts. They push you to eat healthier and to take care of the body God gave us regardless what it looks like on the outside. They even do 3D scans so you do not focus so much on the pounds as the inches roll off. My social anxiety does not even spark up when I head to this fitness center. I am never anxious or worried if I cannot do the workout or if someone is watching or judging me. We are all here from different backgrounds with all different body shapes and sizes working together.  The workouts are tough but I appreciate how tough they are. My mental strength has increased while I have attended this gym in the last 3 months. I know I can accomplish things regardless what my mind tells me. The trainers remind you always how strong you are and how far you come. They are just as excited when you make your first box jump as you are. Everyone always greets you with a smile and positive energy.

So when people tell me, “Charen you’re already skinny, you don’t need to lose anymore weight. You shouldn’t workout so much.” I respond quickly with how my life has changed through working out my physical and mental body. How I strong I have become through it. I still have pretty bad anxiety when going to places the gym or not, with others and not. But not near as much as I did before. I still have to take the medicine for my anxiety but I’ve learned to also tackle it head on and as much as I can thank myself, I’d like to thank Heartrize Fitness just as much.

My goal today was just to say, I’ve been there. Pray about it. Let Jesus work through the real reasons you’re “hiding” from the gym or taking care of your mind and body. In due time, you will be like me and be way more proud about your mental results than your physical ones.

…with everything.

I cannot tell you whether its my anxiety that makes me this way, or if it’s the PTSD, or the depression. Maybe it is just the accumulation of the three plus the stress? All I can say is whatever it is that is happening in my brain this week is out to get me. My mind is clearly beating me up.

*cue the dramatics*

1. I procrastinated on my school work and I was running around at the last-minute trying to get it all accomplished before the due date. For one its summer semester, things go by so much faster during this time.
2. I laid around every one of my off days instead of handling car errands, now I have NO time to drive and get that handled. Everyone says a prayer that I make it through the next 7 days and DO NOT TELL MY DADDY THIS.
3. My house is still dirty. I know I was off for 6 days, but somehow sleep was just more important than chores.

Okay, I am done with my numbered excuses. Because that’s exactly what each of them were, an excuse.

The real reason my mind was beating me up is because I knew how much I had to get done before the start of this week, I knew what all had to be accomplished and I avoided it at all cost. I procrastinated and avoided all the things I needed to do to handle my business. Now I feel like crap. I have learned that I work best with planned and organized agendas. When I plan out my day and check everything off my list, I feel accomplished; when I do not, I feel defeated. Now this week I have definitely felt defeated. This was clearly my own fault though. Instead of handling what I needed to do I allowed my insecurities to take over and let my mind tell me what was more important. My anxiety and depression make me feel as though I am not strong enough to accomplish things when I become stressed.

I have trained my mind pretty well over the last year of my life. I have trained my mind as hard as I have trained my body. I want my body and mind to be the strongest part of me. I have read books to educate myself on creating a stronger mentality. I workout daily to increase my physical strength and to push me past my current boundaries.

When I was kidnapped a lot of my physical and mental strength went down the toilet. I was in fear for my life always. Regardless who I was with, I felt as if I had a “red A on my chest” that told everyone how naive I was, how I did not fight back, how I was gullible and everyone was looking. So I have spent years fighting for that strength back. When I was kidnapped he took all the mental and physical control I had over myself away from me. I was unable to control my thoughts. I was unable to be anywhere alone, especially a gym where tons of people go. At that moment in my life I was still naive to the man holding the gun that day. I had lost me.

Over the last several years of my life I have had to relearn me. I have had to relearn my capacity to handle things and my ability to be adaptable. I have to manually retrain my brain to think positive thoughts. I have to now plan out my agenda ahead of time, going with the flow does not work for me anymore. If things are not written in my calendar they will not get done. I cannot even open my front door unless I know the person is coming hours and hours ahead of time. Sometimes then I won’t answer the door either. Nothing against anyone I honestly just get panicky with any thing that is taken out of my control; this has become my life.

I am stronger now. All my set backs have taught me who I was meant to be. I have several different ways I cope with stress now whenever it decides to rear its ugly head.

• Write down all tasks that need to be completed along with the dates and/or times. Simply just make a list.
• Repeat the sayings out loud to myself, “I can control my thoughts and my mind, everything I cannot control God controls for me.” “You have been through and dealt with worse, you’re stronger now.”
• Give yourself 30 minutes to have a pity party; cry, scream, laugh, read, run, nap, whatever you need to do to get it out of your system.
• Always plan and prepare your days.

This image shows us how important it is to control the stress you have in your life regardless if it’s people or things. Stress can cause a lot of long-term effects. Not to mention all the mental effects that come along with it. If you’ve already been diagnosed with a mental illness or disorder sometimes stress can truly push you over the edge.

Another challenge I will begin, on August 1, will be this one. I have my anxiety basically controlled by my daily activities and medication but I would like to see how much better I will feel after completing this challenge.

Of all the lessons life has thrown at me, a tragedy changed it the most.

As a child I loved to say, “That’s not fair” when things just did not go my way and I did not receive the things I wanted. My parents responded very quickly with, “Charen, life is not fair.” At twenty-seven years old, I feel as if I finally understand what that lesson they were trying to teach me truly meant.

++++++

“God carry me in your bubble through this situation.”

Do you know how many times I repeated this over and over before I was free? A million times if you ask me.

I will be describing every little detail of the incident. I will also be separating it into several separate segments.

Part 1 —

So January 13, 2014 @ 7:47 in the morning changed my life forever. It was normal morning in the life of Charen Leigh, I was running so late for the first day of classes. I wanted to be cute and I wanted to have all my ducks in a row before I left that morning. If you know me, you know my car only had a fourth of a tank of gas and all my books and notebooks were all thrown in a bag I grabbed at the last-minute. I had not ate breakfast, because you know I was already running late.

I ran out the door and down the stairs of my upstairs two bedroom apartment. As I was rushing down the stairs I noticed a man walking slowly up the stairs. We crossed paths and my gut feeling “kicked me”, if you know what I mean. This was a college apartment and this man had to have been in his late 50s, so I just knew something wasn’t right. But I was running late and did not have time to play inspector Charen. I ran down the steps to my car. I unlocked my passenger door and tossed my belongings in the seat. I walk around the back of the car and to the driver’ side door where I had to then unlock that door. (Yes, I did not have electric locks, so I had to use the key to unlock each door.) As I was sticking the key into the door the guy jumps up from the front of my car and pushes a 9mm to my forehead.

++++++

Stop and think for a moment what would you do? If you were put in the same situation as I ended up in, what would be your reaction? Would you fight, would you freeze, would you try to run, would you harm yourself to get away?

As the days, months, and even years go by since that day, I rethink these same questions on a regular. People are very quick to ask me these same questions when I describe my story to them.

The what if’s will mentally eat you alive. As it did for a long time before I was aware of what was happening to me. Before I understood how different my brain was reacting to such a simple thought.

Honestly, shitty things happen to wonderful people, and wonderful things happen to shitty people. This is something I repeat to myself when I’ve fallen into the world of self-pity and “why me”.

++++++

I truly believe God guides our steps, and also I believe without God I would not be here. He is the only thing that got me through when I had no one else. I am so thankful he decides to still carry me through his bubble today.

S-stop

E-evaluate

L-learn

F-fulfill

Self awareness. Self identity. Self care.

What do you know about yourself?

Learning about myself and becoming aware of what my true issues and problems were was the hardest reality check I have ever had. But that is exactly what I needed; a reality check.

I knew I was sad, I knew something just didn’t feel right. I was living off of the dream that one day I would be happy again. I avoided people, because in my head I thought that maybe they were the reason I couldn’t find happiness. I laid in bed for days, cancelled any and all appointments; I couldn’t bear to let anyone see me like this.

What is wrong with me? I started questioning my own existence. I could not figure out what I did wrong to end up in this pit. And that is exactly what I was in, a pit of straight despair.

I had subconsciously decided to wollar around in this pit of sadness and despair. Not a thing seemed to work out for me, all the bad just came raining down. I had pushed my friends away, put on a mask for my family, barely made it to my job, and I cried almost 12 out of every 24 hours I was presented. Life just sucked. I blamed any and everything but myself. I had allowed the devil to get me down, I had allowed all my thoughts to be negative. I had allowed myself to wollar around in this pit until I was stuck.

Then one day I decided I was done, I could not do any of it anymore. I could not live another day feeling like that. Thinking that I may never reach the level of happiness I wanted out of life; but thank you Jesus for the reality check!

I started with prayer and “I’m happy because…” daily challenge. I was ready for a complete life change, and I refused to ever go back down that road again. I made myself a promise to fight until I could smile again.

To this day, I still fight to never fall back into that pit, to never feel that way again. The devil is always working, and life still gives me unfair circumstances.

But 12 months later and here I am, smiling and happy because of no other reason than being alive!

Below I included some little “get me throughs” and a self care challenge I myself completed::

Before I start with my intended post for the day I want to share a little bit of what happened to me in my ‘happy place’. First day/night at the beach, I drive immediately after work (8am) to the beach to meet one of my besties Bridge. As soon as I arrived we threw our bikinis on and headed to the beach. Spent the day in ‘heaven’, jumping the waves, baking in the sun, laughing, and just enjoying the day. Evening arose and we head in to eat and nap. Well since I had not slept in 30+ hours I was knocked out, sleeping like a baby. Then I awoke in a panic, don’t ask me why because I do not know. My heart was racing, I was in my fight/flight response. Then the nausea came, my heart rate drops quickly and I feel as if I will faint. I quickly alert Bridge and she goes into her nurse mode on me. But see within 3-5 minutes I was completely fine, back to my normal self. That was anxiety. I shared this to show everyone how different everyone’s anxiety can be, how it comes out of no where, even in your ‘happy place’.

I’ve learned a lot about myself and consistency is what helps me. I had forgot to take my medicine that morning due to rushing to get to the beach, I had not wrote in my journal for two days, I had not said my daily prayers that day and I was soon reminded that no matter how busy I get my mental health matters. My mental health comes first. Happy Sunday Y’all!

Definition of consistency